Welcome back to The Fostering Diaries, our series exploring fostering through two very different perspectives: those who provide care and those who have experienced it.
This week, we ended up at the stables to chat with our fabulous foster carer Tina. Here, she shares the pearls of wisdom she passes on to the children in her care, and the advice she believes can help foster carers support young people to flourish.
Meet Tina: Foster carer, horse lover and champion of young people
Tina has been fostering for 14 years and has supported children and young people of different ages, with a particular passion for helping teenagers thrive. When she's not caring for the young people in her home, you'll often find her at the stables.
An avid horse rider with a vibrant personality, Tina is warm, funny, endlessly caring and deeply passionate about fostering. Saddle up for some beautiful words of wisdom.
What pearls of wisdom have you passed on to the children and young people you have fostered?
1. My first pearl of wisdom would be to tell a child that everything is temporary.
So, I've had children come to me and they're just homesick. They want to go back to their parents, or they're upset, they're scared, they're frightened. And I always remind them that everything is temporary. Tomorrow will feel better. Tomorrow they will feel safer. They'll get to see their parents during Family Time.
So, my first pearl of wisdom to a child in care is to remember that everything in life is temporary. It will change. There'll be ups and downs, hopefully more ups than downs, but it's temporary. The feeling that they're feeling now will change.
2. My second pearl of wisdom would be that it's okay to ask for help.
You don't have to do everything on your own. Children that have come to us have often had to survive on their own. So, I would say that it's okay to ask for help, and children do find this difficult at times. So, I try and empower them.
Like if I have a little girl, I'll put her in front of the mirror, do her hair, and I'll tell her to tell herself three things that are fantastic about herself today. And that's really hard. I challenge you to look in the mirror and say, I love myself. It's hard. It's really hard. And, so, you have to give them confidence and let them know it's okay to ask for help.
3. My final and third tip would be that just keep on trying.
You're not going to get things perfect and right all the time. I would say to children that have been in care or coming into care, it's okay to keep on trying. You don't have to be perfect. You're perfect yourself. Just keep on trying.
Can you remember the moment when you shared this advice?
For example, that is a genuine, legitimate thing that happened. So, my little one, she was in here and she was making the bed for the horses, and she wants everything to be perfect for you. She wants to do everything perfectly, and they're not going to get it right.
And the thing is not to stop them. You need to allow them to make mistakes. You need to allow them to learn themselves. You can't do it for them. And she was in there, and I could tell, because she comes out going, "Tina, what do you think? Look at this bed."
And she is so pleased. And I just go, "Oh wow, that's amazing." Then maybe the next time I'm like, "Oh, do you know what you could do? This is a little bit better." And she just grows and grows in confidence. So that is a prime example of allowing a child to make mistakes, well, not make mistakes but just learn as they go along. Let them keep on trying. It is lovely when you see that happening with them as well.
Has fostering changed the way you think about these lessons?
Using these kind of pearls of wisdom, one thing I've realised over the years of fostering is that it's not always the same with your own children. And I've learnt to be more therapeutic, more trauma-informed and therapeutic-based.
So, I use "Theraplay" a lot when I'm fostering. Be curious with your children that you're looking after. Wonder why they're acting like that. Be playful. You can reach children through being more playful than being stern, and, you know, stern parenting.
And have patience with them and be curious. Always think, why? I wonder. That is a great term to keep locked into your head: I wonder. I wonder why they're acting like that. Not just trying to solve the behaviour. You're trying to get behind it.
So, it's like a therapeutic, holistic kind of approach to parenting. And for me, I've learnt that through fostering. I didn't know how to do that as just a mum for my own birth children. I learnt that through fostering. And my birth children actually say to me, "Mum, you're a better mum now than you were before." And I'm like, "Oh, well, you weren't so lucky."(she laughs)
Fostering is closer than you think
Every foster care journey starts with a conversation.
By opening your home and your heart (and sharing your wisdom), you could help a child or young person feel safe, supported and able to thrive, while learning a few life lessons along the way.
Explore the full possibilities of fostering at the Southend Fostering website today.
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